Shadow Work: Pillars of Disgust

 Hey team,

I have been thinking a lot about disgust recently as that is the core feeling I align with when observing and reflecting on certain behaviors of others, and myself, that truly remind me of a striking lack of maturity and where I believe psychological stagnation lies. Though these traits are subjective to me, I also believe that they would be hard to defend as pillars of healthy, mindful, role-model behavior and often are the opposite types of behavior of the people we view as traditionally virtuous and well (healthy and happy). This is part of my own shadow. The shadow isn’t necessarily evil but rather the antithesis to the virtuous traits we attach to and present to the world, so if feeling that these traits are NOT me they indeed are, they are just the qualities that lay hidden from the surface, waiting for the everything to fall into place to blossom them (manifestation of disgust) to existence. This is likely why it is easier to see in others, or even my past self, because it is easier to externalize these qualities as existing outside myself. But the outer world is always a projection of our inner, limitedly conscious, world.

This disgust I feel is towards the superficial and inauthentic. While these two, superficial and inauthentic, already have overlap as the falsehoods of true self, I believe they can be broken down further to sub categories. Superficial into: righteous, vain, and hedonistic. Inauthentic into: blindness (denial) to reality, lack of humility and fixation on perceived self. As they are, these qualities are not entirely  “disgusting”, they occupy us for short bouts of time and then pass and we see them for what they are (phenomena of human existence in modern day). It’s once we are consumed by these qualities, living life predominantly through these lenses of suffering that they become disgusting and mask the soul within. 

 

 

Expanding on what I consider the definitions of all these, let me start with righteousness. Righteousness is the individual demand of specific treatment (praise, attention, opportunities, outcomes, receiver of things, ect) that is brought upon by an innate belief that one is rightfully owed it or that one is above the standard treatment. This is not to be confused with privilege which refers to the external treatment one receives without inherent internal demand. Righteousness is strictly internal. While privilege can induce and fuel these feelings of righteousness, it itself is not righteousness. 

 

Being vain refers to the narcissistic obsession with oneself as divinely more important than others. Whether one is perhaps better at specific tasks than others has nothing to do with it. With or without proof, a vain person will defaultly think they’re of utmost superior value in terms of appearance and performance. While of course as individuals we have value, it is no more or less than others. Yes we ought to take good care of ourselves in comparison to others, that strictly comes down to the fact that we can’t control others but we can control ourselves in daily living. And if one does perform better at a task that has very little to do with the value of that person, more likely the randomness of being the receiver of  specific genetics, parents and upbringing. 

Hedonistic, as in pursuing pleasure, is rather controversial as a negative quality so I’d like to be more specific. Overly hedonistic (consumed with indulgence) towards instant gratification is what I am referencing. The kind of people who can’t wait for a minute to get their next “fix” of pleasure, from shopping, sugar, phones, praise, drugs, gambling, it doesn’t matter. This often goes alongside righteousness in the way of “I deserve this treat because X” but  X is often the bare minimum or nothing at all. This has nothing to do with what the actual source of pleasure is (of course some are worse for your health, the environment, ect) but the pursuit of that source for strictly the pleasure. Though often we lie and say things like “I deserve this” or “I need this” it never really is for those reasons. A practice I do when I indulge in something sweet or buy something is to cut the bull shit and just say “I'm doing this because I want this” and boy do I enjoy it. I don’t “need” anything, I have everything I truly need (food, water, shelter) and more, and I certainly don't deserve more of things I don't need. This overindulgence towards pleasure numbs us to the immense satisfaction we could derive from it if we indulged less often, also making us less driven by wanting and more by true desires of authenticity. Again this is not to say we shouldn’t enjoy ourselves or even celebrate or rest when needed, but to avoid indulging in gratification for the most minute reasons. If  anyone has read “Dopamine Nation” by Anna Lembke you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Blindness to reality is the bias that prevents us from growth. While everyone does live in their own reality and reality will always be subjective, the blindness I am discussing here manifests as inability to take accountability and look at the actions one has done and is doing, looking past the limits of one's own experience or see oneself, and others, as a complex result of everything that has happened before them. It’s solving a problem that doesn't need to be solved in order to be a “solver”. It’s helping the person that doesn’t need help in order to be a “helper”. It's doing stuff for the right reason but the stuff you're doing is hollow. “The road to hell is paved with good intentions” is a quote that I often think about and it aligns well with this blindness to reality.  The people who are blind to reality live through a very ego-centric lens. A lens that is fixated on their intentions without accepting the interdependence and consequences of it all. This specific quality strongly impedes growth and development and makes suffering an ever-stronger entity. This quality is vital to break out of in order to grow and overcome the rest. 

Lack of humility is the absence of being humble. It’s the grandiosity of being above it all. It's taking life way too seriously as if we are in control of every little thing we do. It’s very much like insisting that you are not a human while everyone else is. It’s climbing the tallest mountain after years of training and ridiculing the people who are just starting out on their first hike. Humility is sitting back in your chair and laughing about how delightfully ridiculous it is to be alive. Humility is bantering with others about your strengths and weaknesses and not taking anything so seriously. Humility truly is a virtue that makes the day-to-day bearable even while suffering. 

Fixation on perceived self (false self) is the conscious attachment and excessive value we give to the version of us that others see and think of. Though we spend 24 hours everyday with ourselves, some of us put more weight on the gleam of thoughts in the heads of others who may only see us for a few minutes a week. Fixating on this perceived self drives us to do anything to merely appear as if we are the person we want to be, not to be who we want to be or who we are. This illusion of caring more about looking like a virtuous person as opposed to just being a virtuous person drives some of us to do crazy things. It can often feel good to be seen as who you are at your best but if we only fixate on being seen at our best we lose our authenticity and humility in the process. The perceived self will always be a false self as perceptions are tangled with feelings, labels and judgments making them subjective and far from the core self being perceived in the first place. No one is a photo of them, a video of them, a resume’ or any other physical record of what describes one. People just are and life is about tapping into that authenticity and living life as that authentic self to the extent that one can. The goal of life is not pleasure or power but freedom from the suffering we continually inflict on ourselves and others in the process. And the way to do this is with your authentic self with an open loving heart trying each day to be the you that exists beneath these masks of suffering. 

We are not accountable for the bodies we inherit or the upbringing that shape us as we mature. However, once we develop an awareness of our humanity, it becomes our responsibility to confront and overcome the falsehoods and hardships that have influenced us, allowing us to transcend their control. Through this process, we can evolve into individuals who lead mindful and purposeful lives, enriching our existence with meaning and fulfillment. This further inspires others and ourselves granting us with peace and love and clarity of the ultimate reality.